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Late Nite Humor

Written by Asinus Asinum Fricat on May 10, 2008 – 5:52 pm -

Who doesn’t watch late night shows? Me! That’s who. I’m watching cable news or toiling on a certain website. But I do go to a couple of sites to extract some of the funniest jokes.

Hillary Clinton told People magazine that she has never had cosmetic surgery. It is not for her. You know how politicians hate anything that’s fake.” — Jay Leno

“Amy Winehouse was arrested for assaulting a guy in a bar. In all fairness, she didn’t do anything. The guy was sucker-punched by her hair.” — David Letterman

On Amy again: They took her to jail, and she tried to escape by combing her hair into the shape of a gun.” – Letterman

Us magazine says that Nicole Richie has endorsed Barack Obama for president. Richie said, ‘I’d throw my weight behind him, but I don’t have any.’ ” – Conan O’Brien

John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He’s just wandering around. John McCain’s wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain’s wife denied this, and stated, ‘What I said is, I’ve tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Now here’s what I don’t understand about government and politics and stuff like that. … Earlier today, President Bush asked Congress to okay … an additional $50 billion for his daughter’s wedding.” –David Letterman

“This weekend, in Crawford, Texas, at the Bush family ranch, one of president Bush’s daughter, Jenna, will be getting married. As a matter of fact, tomorrow she is getting married. And I thought this was cute. Because the groom went to President Bush and he asked President Bush for his daughter’s hand in marriage. And President Bush said, ‘Well, it’s okay with me, but you gotta run it by Cheney.’” –David Letterman

“Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, he’s the one accused of groping a woman in a Las Vegas parking lot while drunk. The guy’s the governor, by the way. But he’s filed for divorce. He’s now trying to evict his wife from the Governor’s Mansion. He’s trying to kick her out. Yeah. And he told the press, ‘You know what it’s like when a woman just won’t get the hint and leave?’ To which Barack Obama said, ‘Tell me about it!’” –Jay Leno

“Best wishes to President Bush’s daughter, Jenna. She’s getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they’ll have something old and something blue.” –Jay Leno

“Well, you know what’s interesting. The experts say, if you do the math, there’s no way Hillary Clinton can win the nomination. And today, Hillary responded by saying, ‘People who do math are elitist.’” –Jay Leno

“And you can tell Barack Obama is feeling confident. Did you see what he did this afternoon? Did you see what he did today? He went bowling with his former pastor, Reverend Wright. … That’s confidence.” –Jay Leno

“President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That’s where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, ‘Don’t tell New Orleans.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters. Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend at her father’s place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton.” –David Letterman

“A lot of pressure now on Hillary Clinton to drop out of the race. She didn’t do so well in the primaries the other night. A lot of pressure. And it’s been reported, this is the latest, that Barack Obama’s campaign is negotiating with Hillary Clinton for her to go away. … And when he heard this, Bill Clinton said, ‘I’d love to know how that works.’”–Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big shots whose votes, for some reason, mean a lot more than our votes mean. Even so, it’s nice to see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Tags: Humor, Laughs
Posted in Diaries |