The Lazy Gardener’s Guide to Blueberries

This morning, I picked my first blueberries of the season. Just a handful, mind you, probably about the amount most blueberry bushes yielded before the invention of petrochemical brews, but more than enough to whet my appetite for a bit of sweet in the morning.

And they’re simply lovely things: deep blue, sweet with that subtle blueberry twang, perfect. And easy to grow, if you’ve got the right plants for the right climate.

In other venues, I’ve run into countless people who seemingly couldn’t grow a blueberry if it planted itself for them. I’ve never quite understoof that because the only blueberries I’ve ever lost have been through my own carelessness — e.g., forgetting to get them into the ground soon enough, then holding them over for planting the next spring (not a good idea) — or the ravages of the houndie grrl, should she decide to make their particular spot her hidey hole.

My suspicion is, the primary reason blueberries fail is that people choose the wrong varieties for their climate. Think about it: a plant that thrives in Minnesota or Northern Michigan might have excellent cold resistance, but probably won’t cotton to months of 100+ temps, intermingled with short bursts of cool air when those cold fronts (and tornadoes) move through.

And the solution is so, so simple: ask around. Read up on native varieties, ask your extension service, visit local blueberry farms — speaking of which, if you have blueberry farms in your area, then yes, you can grow your own blueberries.

And beware of plants from Big Box or, for that matter, any nurseries. Unless you are given assurance those plants were raised locally, you’re asking for trouble.

When you get your blueberries, plant them in pure peat — no compost, no lovingly cultivated soil, no plastic bags of stuff that your nurseryman swears is the secret to glorious blueberries — just peat. And a lot of it. Dig that hole deep and fill it with peat. Dig it wide and fill it with peat. Dump more peat over the top after planting.

In a few days, the plant will also appreciate some of the devil’s brew (sulfur).

And, in a month, give it a good watering with a full liter of Coca Cola or, if you’re really daring, battery acid.

Okay, so I’m kidding about the battery acid, but not by much.

And never forget that blueberries like coffee as much as you do. Throw the bottom of the pot on them.

Come spring, repeat, sans the digging part.

Oh, and be sure to plant a couple of varieties: an early, mid and late producer. You’ll be glad you did, and the blueberries will appreciate the company.

To protect them from birds, forget the bird netting! A wiley cardinal can get past that stuff in no time anyway.

Instead, camouflage them with plants. Mine are hidden among daisies, mustard, sage, echinacea, chrysanthemums, pinks, crape myrtles, bee balm, you name it.

Then, steel yourself to sacrificing a few to the birds. They’ll take the most obvious berries, while you’ll get the gold.

Unless you have raccoons, bears or whatever. For those critters, I recommend a high powered squirt gun or speakers that randomly emit loud squawking. Okay, not really, but it’s a good idea.

As for what you can do with them, I usually just race into the house, rinse them and savor each and every one of them. They’re the perfect way to start the day.