My house is in a state of complete chaos. This chaos perfectly reflects my state of mind. The simple truth is, I’m very alarmed by a convergence of two events, the economic collapse and the firing of my boss, so much so that, several times over the past few weeks, I’ve been overcome by panic attacks.
Panic attacks are a longstanding problem of mine, a problem that once crippled me but that, I’m proud to say, I overcame without the help of pharmaceuticals.
One of the problems with panic attacks is that the anxiety is often rooted in “truth,” as is the case now.
And the same is true now. There really is an economic crisis. Stephen Roach was absolutely correct when, way back in 2003 or 2004, he predicted Economic Armageddon. My boss did get fired, and even though they fired him for good reason, this has rattled me to my very soul. So there is more than a little rationale for my panic.
Even worse, though, my house is in complete chaos because all my free time has been devoted to painting or preparing to paint or thinking about painting. And chaotic places make my mind chaotic.
I’m far from a neat and tidy person, but when I know important things – like paying property taxes and electric bills – aren’t getting done because the bills themselves are buried beneath a pile of books and student papers and coupons I might use and old shoes and small paintings I was supposed to return to someone three years ago and unanswered letters and unopened notices and invitations, I get minor panic attacks. In real life, some people get upset because, these days, I tend to just charge ahead and do things instead of endlessly debating the details. But I do that because it’s my experience otherwise, nothing gets done, and when nothing gets done, I have a panic attack.
And that is, in fact, part of the solution for my current problem of daily panic attacks. I need to simply do the best I can to forestall possible disaster. This means, first of all, I really need to preserve my job because, without my job, I will lose this house, and I love this house.
Second, I need to make my environment as peaceful as possible. The only way to make it as peaceful as possible is to, first, make sure I’ve gotten everything done I need to get done (paying bills, notifying people, answering important mail) and, second, to clean the house.
There are a lot of other things I need to do — I need to return to my old habit of allowing myself the time to meditate and space out, I need to spend time staring at the ceiling and out the windows, and wandering around the park — but these are my reliable starts. These are the steps that helped me overcome panic attacks in the past, even in the face of the very real bases for the panic attacks.
11 Comments
Oh biscuit, I wish I could help you. I used to have the same problems and I have learned to just slow down. Moving to Mexico and divorcing solved my problems. I know that you cannot do that, but you need to focus on the most important things in your life.
Your boss was fired because he did something wrong. Fraud is not something that you could have done anything about. He made his choices and there is nothing for you to do. Go out for a walk when the weather allows or just curl up with a book and let the world go away. I am very selfish with my time and stay out of the drama and gossip business. I do not open my gate to folks that are toxic and find myself better for it.
I usually plan one big thing to accomplish each day. Just one! Other things come up but I do get that one job done regardless. Take some time to sort your mail and invites. That really will not take a lot of time. Do not face a mountain. They are usually small hills.
Job one is to take care of our sweet biscuit.
You are so on target! Today I’m working on making my environment as pleasant as possible — I have orange peels simmering to make things smell just wonderful, and I’m straightening up so it just *looks* calm and peaceful.
Then I’m going to just take time off for me, slow it down.
The panic attacks have been kind of accelerating, but when I had a massive one yesterday afternoon, I realized I had to stop it *now.* So I am.
Thank you, mango.
One thing I do when I get to this point — which may or may not help — is what I call “brain dump.” Get a notebook, write down everything that you are carrying around in your brain, and then if you need to, you can organize and prioritize. Just getting it down where I know I won’t forget it helps a lot.
Oh gawd, if i made a list, I’d probably throw myself out the window!
As it is, I’m wandering around doing things I’ve been meaning to do for weeks now as I run into them — eg, finally cutting back my three huge pots of lemongrass and moving them into living room, instead of middle of kitchen floor – putting glass cover back on light fixture (I took it off because it called for a very strange base that I had to order, and it was so hard to take off that I saw no purpose of putting it back on then taking it off when light arrived etc) – etc etc.
I’m fixing lunch now – nothing exciting, just some quinoa pasta doused in heavenly salsa and, yes, I love salsa on pasta.
That lunch sounds lovely, biscuit. I’m sorry you are subject to such unpleasant panic attacks. One of the advantages of my age is that I have trained my eye to just not see the clutter and chaos that can be my house (and the dog hair dinosaurs that adorn it) and just focus on what I have to do to survive today. That helps me put things in perspective.
I went to Whole Foods this afternoon to buy goodies to put in my friend Mary’s Christmas present – I’m making her a giftie basket, and it will contain chocolate, habanero pepper jelly, some yummy scented soaps, pralines, Ruby Red grapefruit, Concord pears and a pretty coffee mug. You never know, I may find some other things to put in the basket! Jo-Ann’s craft store is in the same shopping center, and they always put their Christmas stuff on sale, so I got some nice largish baskets and ribbons to put all the goodies in. This is going to be fun!
Oh, man, Mary’s got a treat coming!
Oh, biscuit, I feel for you! Everywhere we look there is chaos and greed and disappointment. I went thru the 3 o’clock in the morning panic attack waking out of a sound sleep with heart palpitations that wouldn’t quit no matter what so I ended up in the emergency room. Nothing really wrong, I learned, I learned. Have a refuge in your house that is perfectly the way you want it. A place you can close the door and close out the problems. Maybe your bedroom. That’s the first room I did in this house. I also have candles and incense and lavender seeds in a tussie-mussie that I can sniff under my pillow when I wake up panicky, also, some really nice lavender oil to rub on the temples. Lots of relaxation is needed. Oh, and exercise really does wonders for working out the pent up anxiety.
Mango, Kate and drchelo are all right. Relax and focus on one thing at a time from beginning to end.
I am lucky we have three bedrooms. Two are cluttered and messy. I can close the doors and no one knows!
Yikes re: your panic attack! When i was younger, these things really had me paralyzed, but honestly learned to work through them. But it’s kind of constant for me. If I stop, here they come again because they paralyze me – so i have to work my way right through all the stuff that paralyzes me, and they start abating.
My house has to be a refuge because I am prone to panic attacks. So I have to have these kind of oases of calm. It does an amazingly good job of re-centering me. I haven’t done my bedroom yet because the way it looked when i walked in the front door was just – awful! An ADDer’s worst nightmare come true!
But it’s very tranquil looking upon entrance now – well, except the damned kitchen, which is still wood paneling and 30 different types of wood hell. Very visually disturbing!
Oh, BTW, it has been snowing since I got up. We’ll have another 6-8″ today! We went over to the park yesterday evening and ran around in the lovely powdery snow and swung and yelled and sang. Good to blow off some cabin fever.
I’m making pinto beans, mexican rice and king ranch chicken with what I have in the freezer and pantry. Just wish I had some cilantro. Do you know, you can take some cilantro leaves, chop and put in some olive oil and freeze and it really keeps for months. Then, when you need a little in a recipe, you have it!
What is King Ranch Chicken? I have a leather binder from the King Ranch. It’s a lovely thing …
Oh, yeah, the King Ranch makes lots of leather products…lots of UT girls carry the King Ranch purses. They are really nice.
King Ranch Chicken may or may not be from the King Ranch. Here’s a good website for some sort of an explanation. http://homesicktexan.blogspot......icken.html I do love to make it, though.
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